Saturday, November 28, 2009
Your Relationships at The Holidays
If you are a New Couple it can be a time for you to prepare your own Dinner party perhaps for the first time, or visit your partners family and your own together.
It can also be one of the most stressful times of the year when suddenly the pressure seems to be on and the Differences in your relationship are really beginning to make a difference and not in a good way.
Consider if you will people of various backgrounds sharing a holiday that may seem so important and the strain of getting it just right with somebody who has completely different traditions and to boot completely different Values that are now rapidly rising to the surface.
Habits and Personality Traits of your partner may have appeared to be insignificant in the past and you were prepared to overlook things that mildly irritated you.
Unfortunately "The Holidays" often represent an "anchor" of types to each of us maybe even reminding us of happy times of fulfillment in our childhood which we are expecting to recreate add all the preparation and company we may have invited and at this heightened state of awareness it can easily go downhill from there.
Consider your expectations for the Holidays - Ask your self if they are realistic and change your viewpoint by looking outside of yourself and ask:
What is my reason for insisting on ____
Why did I become angry when ______
What was my real intention _______
What feeling was I intending to create ?
If your partner is behaving in a way that is not pleasing to you, remember they also have their own reasons for doing so.
It can also be helpful to look at the two of you from an objective point of view and understand both sides of the argument.
Remember we cannot change anything about other people and yet we can communicate with them in Love when we take ourselves out of the problem.
While looking at the problem from the inside we really can only see our own reasons for feeling this way. The more we think about it and talk to others the more reasons we can find to justify our behavior and insist it is not our fault.
Notice when your own language sounds like this:
I was up all night cooking and ___
I do understand But ___
I was just trying to
I don't see why ____ got upset because
He/she wouldn't even ___
They didn't do anything to help ___
I planned the whole thing, I don't see why ___
You /He/She Always _____
If you pay attention, you will notice that each of these examples while you may enjoy being right are all subjective. They are designed to showcase and focus on your point of view only.
Doing the exercise we discussed a bit earlier, change your perception by disengaging as yourself and becoming an innocent bystander.
Were there any words or actions you were not particularly proud of, and would not like repeated in front of say your Boss or somebody you really want to think highly of you ?
Begin to go through the list of questions for each participants, you can do it as if you are watching a movie on a cinema screen.
If you find yourself getting angry you can make it into slides thats are black and while and still pictures and begin to examine the story Frame by Frame.
Give it ago, your intention is to be able to gain a clear objective point of view which is win win for both sides.
Finally Ask yourself:
What are the characteristics of my partner I really enjoy
Notice at least one nice thing they did or said to you during the holidays
Understand we are not our behavior
Realize your partners intentions behind their behavior
For further Communication clarification Try this Link about an Neuro Linguistic Programming Technique called the Agreement Frame Link provided Below.
At the end of the day remember the holidays are fun, even if there were great lessons learned this time around.
Bt Xmas you will be ready to be on more reasonable terms or you may just decide to get together after you both have spent time with your own family and friends.
The person with the most flexible behavior always wins!